Another golfing president
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26 November 2002
The Nymandhovu Cleft Stick and Messenger has
been unable to publish of late,
due to the hijacking of just about all Zimbabwe's absorbent paper
by State
House. Also, the editor had to go and moonlight a bit to
pay the bills.
The NCS&M is a non-profit operation!
Anyway, golfing editor, Mr Divot Mbire, reports from Johannesburg
that South
African president Thabo Mbeki has taken up golf. Such an
important
development cannot be ignored, so we have rushed out this special
edition.
Apparently Mr Mbeki has taken up golf because his music teacher,
Ms Vibrato
Mtshali, has resigned. Ms Mtshali, speaking from her studio
in the Union
Buildings, explained that the President has no musical talent at
all, and
she simply could not teach him to play the violin.
"This has the unfortunate effect," said Ms Mtshali,
"of making it absolutely
impossible for the President to fiddle while the country
burns." She added
that it was actually doubly unfortunate, because the fire had
already
started BEFORE it was discovered that he couldn't learn to play.
Anyway, the President decided to take up golf instead. He
feels that this
is the appropriate pastime for a filthy rich playboy who has two
luxury
mansions, a fleet of Mercedes Benzes, and has recently acquired a
multi-million luxury jet to take him from party to party.
His image consultant, Mr Looksmart Gondwana, agreed.
"The problem with our
president," he said, "is that he's two bricks and a
tickey high, and if you
don't dress him up in fancy threads and surround him with the
right
executive toys, it would be easy to mistake him for your average
Xhosa
houseboy. Needless to say, we need to create an image that
will ensure that
people realise that Mr Mbeki is not just part of the masses out
there. He
is a man of taste, education, and considerable wealth.
Frankly, the masses
are not fit to shine his shoes."
It was observed that this hardly squared with the image of a
people's
president. However, Mr Gondwana pointed out that being a
people's president
was hard work, and that Mr Mbeki found things like township
visits and
hugging babies just as tedious as other members of the upper
classes, and
that he shouldn't have to pretend to be one of the people all of
the time.
Anyway, Mr Gondwana observed, golf is an accepted pastime for
just about all
presidents, especially South African presidents.
"President Mbeki is following in the footsteps of the great
John Vorster,"
said Gondwana. "Indeed, they both play off the same
handicap."
A spokesman for a well-known country club in Pretoria explained
that this
handicap was that both Mbeki and Vorster were people who played
golf while
allowing the human rights of the populace to be trampled
underfoot.
Asked for comment, Mr Ruthless Shongwazi, a trade-unionist, said
that he
didn't give a damn if the President teed off regularly or dropped
his balls
when the rules required, but it would be nice if he actually
devoted some
time to getting the country going.
Meanwhile, Mr Tony Yengeni, who is urgently seeking to make a
political
comeback, has offered to step into the breach and fiddle while
the country
burns. However, it had to be explained to him that the
violin is a musical
instrument, and not anything like the kind of fiddle to which Mr
Yengeni is
accustomed.