Death of Mugabe confirmed
2001-12-16 20:34:14 PST
The Nyamandhlovu Cleft Stick and Messenger confirms that Robert Mugabe died
quite some time ago, and the personage currently representing him is
actually the creation of Zimbabwe's most evil scientist, Professor Vladimir
"Sixpence" Pasapamire.
Professor Pasapamire, who was formerly a garden boy employed by Mr and Mrs
Alfred Bloggs of Borrowdale, got his early training at the Marondera School
of Witchdoctors, which is the Zimbabwean equivalent of the place where Harry
Potter went.
After early experiments involving communication with the ancestors and
causing the odd tribesman to become possessed with the screaming heebie
jeebies, Pasapamire obtained a scholarship from ZANU to attend the Bucharest
School of Advanced Medicine, where he learned to make human beings from nuts
and bolts, with a bit of flesh and tissue chucked in for realism.
He soon distinguished himself as a very bright student, and manufactured
many humans who have since risen to prominence, Jonothan Moyo being one, and
Pamela Anderson being another..
However, his greatest challenge arose when Robert Mugabe died, on the job so
to speak, trying to give Grace a shot in the broeks, just to prove he was
still capable at the age of seventy-whatever.
The ZANU politiburo called immediately for Vlad Pasapamire, knowing damned
well that if news of Mugabe's death got out, they would all be out of a job.
And what with all the whiteys pulling out of Zim, there's suddenly a serious
shortage of decent madams for whom you can wash the dishes, or decent
masters for whom you can wash the car or dig the gudden.
Pasapamire, using a couple of spare parts from Harare Motor Scrapyard and
Spare Parts (Pvt) Ltd, plus a bit of the mumbo jumbo on the side, managed to
get ol Bob's body back into some semblance of working order. Consequently,
at the next Cabinet meeting, Bob appeared on schedule, and no one was any
the wiser. Okay, so he was acting and talking strange, but he had been
doing that for about the last seventeen years anyway.
Unfortunately, Vlad was unable to get the brain right. The flesh and tissue
bit was okay, and the ersatz Mugabe currently appearing at ZANU conferences
and on the TV LOOKS like the real thing. However, the brain circuits are
all wrong, which is why Mugabe appears to have gone stark raving mad.
Pasapamire was most apologetic, and told the Politburo that he would recall
the substitute Mugabe and work on it until he got the brain right, without
asking any payment.
However, the Politburo have declined the offer, saying that he might appear
mad to other people, but they themselves were perfectly happy.
Grace Mugabe also wants to keep the present Mugabe as he is. Apparently,
the mechanical version is much better in bed than the original, and she is
now enjoying the honeymoon that she never had.
The only problem, she says, is that the nickel-cadmium batteries that keep
him going need recharding much too often, and every time she is about to
have an orgasm, the bugger runs out of juice and she has to plug him in to
the recharger.
Pasapamire has offered to replace the battery powered motor with a 220 volt
affair, so she can plug him into the mains. That way she can have an orgasm
courtesy of Eskom, as long as South Africa doesn't turn the power off just
when he's getting to the short strokes.
Pasapamire today defended his actions, saying that there was no reason why
his mechanical Mugabe shouldn't function as well as the real McCoy, as long
as he didn't get wet during the forthcoming presidential elections.
The MDC are praying for rain.
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