CONTINGENCY PLAN FOR ZIMBABWE
> > SAfrican minister confirms contingency plans exist in case of Zimbabwe "crisis" > > BBC Monitoring Service - United Kingdom; Feb 28, 2002 > > > Text of report by South African news agency SAPA web site > > > > Maseru, 28 February: Defence Minister Mosiuoa Lekota said on Thursday [28 > > February] although South Africa did not expect any major problems during the > > forthcoming elections in Zimbabwe, there were contingency plans in place in > > case of a crisis, SABC radio news reported. Date: 2002-03-01 21:15:39 PST
The Nyamandhlovu Cleft Stick and Messenger has managed to obtain exclusive details of the contingency plan of the South African government in the event of any crisis arising in Zimbabwe during or after the elections due in ten days time. The plan is very detailed and organised, as we have come to expect from the ANC. It has ten points: 1 Someone from the SA government will issue a declaration to say that SA is very concerned about the developments. 2 An urgent meeting will be held, as soon as a venue can be booked at the best five star hotel available. However, Sun City will not be considered, because we are already having a party there, in connection with how "concerned" we are about the DRC. The fat cats want variety in their lives, and wouldn't want to have another party in the same place so soon. 3 An amount of around R25 million will be budgeted, matching the cost of the festivities presently taking place at Sun City. 4 A team of professionals will ensure that there is sufficient caviar, champagne and scotch whisky available, as well as any other drinks according to the personal preference of the various people who will be invited. Another team will attend to the menus for lunch and dinner, which will be of the finest, as there is no point in living like a poor black when you have ridden the bicycle of liberation all the way to the top of the hill. 5 At the end of the talks, a declaration will be issued, urging all parties to get together for talks, which South Africa will offer to host. 6 And amount of R25 million will be budgeted to host these talks. 7 A five star venue will be selected at which to hold the talks, but it won't be Sun City, or whatever venue the first talks took place at, because one doesn't want to party at the same place too often. 8 A team of professionals will ensure that there is sufficient caviar, champagne and scotch whisky available, as well as any other drinks according to the personal preference of the various people who will be invited. Another team will attend to the menus for lunch and dinner, which will be of the finest, because if the venue, the food, and the booze are not of the required standard, no one will accept the invitation to the talks. 9 At the end of the talks, a declaration will be issued. This declaration will have a name, like the Fancourt Accord, or the Sheraton Pretoria Declaration. This is so it can be written down in the history books, and so that the people who were there will be able to say that they were part of it all. 10 Although everyone will take part in the eating, drinking, screwing, talking, and signing of the declaration, no one will actually be responsible for implementing the declaration. This means that the problem won't be solved, consequently .......... 11 Someone from the SA government will issue a declaration to say that SA is very concerned about the developments, and the whole bloody circus will start all over again. A spokesman for the South African government thinks that the plan is brilliant. Professor Isosceles Vilikazi, the well-known academic, inventor, and political observer, thinks it's horseshit, just like the Arusha Declaration, the Lusaka Agreement, the Nkomati Accord, and every other similar declaration that ever emerged from a meeting of fat cats in a five star hotel after a couple of days of expensive boozing and gorging while the people of Africa go hungry and die.