VARIOUS CRISES
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23August 2002
The Nyamandhlovu Cleft Stick and Messenger has received a
despatch from an
anonymous correspondent, Mr Phantom Ryder. The missive
appears to be in
some kind of codespeak, and our Editor in Chief, Mr Ballpoint
Lumumba, has
been labouring all night to figure out what it means, and what it
has to do
with Zimbabwe.
However, with the help of the brilliant Professor Isosceles
Vilakazi, the
well-known inventor, academic, political observer and cipherist,
we have
established that it has something to do with the fuel crisis, and
the
shortage of places to pee in Mashonaland since the "war
vets" cut down all
the trees for firewood.
Mr Hyperactive Chizere, the government spokesman on energy
affairs, denied
that there was a fuel crisis in Zimbabwe. "There is no
fuel in Zimbabwe,"
he said. "Therefore you cannot possibly say that there
is a fuel crisis.
You obviously cannot have a fuel crisis when there is no fuel to
have a
crisis with."
Mr Chizere is leaving his body to science, because there are a
couple of
scientists in Argentina wanting to know how a chap with such a
large head
can be so incredibly, utterly, stupid.
However, the Chief Sanitary Engineer for Mashonaland Province, Mr
Relief
Mbara, welcomed the brilliant solution which Mr Ryder offers for
the tree
problem. Government has moved immediately to import seven
container loads
of little plastic bags with compressed sponges in them, which
will be issued
free of charge to all ZANU-PF supporters, and stop the country
from smelling
like a piss house.
President Mugabe will also be getting one, because continuing
appearances of
the ghost of Josiah Tongogara are causing him to wet his pants at
inopportune moments.
Phantom Ryder (a
former combat pilot of the US Air Force) wrote
> We carried little plastic bags with compressed sponges in
them for the
> necessary times. However, most flights were only about
1.2 hours long.
> Only in the Gulf War did the average time become several
hours.