NEWS ROUND-UP
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24 August 2002
NYAMANDHLOVU, Saturday
MUGABE SHUFFLES CABINET
Our political correspondent reports from Harare that President
Mugabe has
dissolved his cabinet. Rumours that he used a bath of acid
are unconfirmed,
but we wouldn't put it past him.
Anyway, many people (about 15) are eagerly awaiting the results
of the
Cabinet Reshuffle. (The rest of the world doesn't give a
damn any more.)
As always, the Nyamandhlovu Cleft Stick and Messenger is always
first with
the news, and is consequently able to divulge at least some of
the results
of the reshuffle:
Minister for Health: King of Hearts
Minister of Police: Knave of Clubs
Minister of Finance: Knave of Diamonds
Minister for Population Development: King of Spades
In reaction, ZANU-PF has pointed out that you can call a spade a
spade, but
if you call a Zimbabwean a spade, you are a bloody racist.
ZIMBABWE: MBEKI SAYS TIME TO ACT
Observers were amazed to read in yesterday's South African papers
that Mbeki
has said it is time to act on Zimbabwe. A spokesman for the
South African
Presidency, Mr Procrastination Mvumbu, has hastened to assure the
government
in Harare that Mbeki only said this, and that he certainly
doesn't intend to
actually do anything.
It was pointed out that he is flying to Australia to talk with
John Howard.
However, the public may rest assured that there is nothing
sinister in this.
Mbeki has just got a brand new jet, and is simply looking for an
excuse to
fly someplace.
THE ALL-SEEING EYE OF BUTHELEZI
SAPA -AP reports that a number of Zimbabweans are relocating to
Zambia and
Mocambique. SA Home Affairs Minister, Dr Mangosuthu
Buthelezi*, has
responded that he does not know of any Zimbabweans planning to
come to South
Africa. Critics say they are not surprised, because
Buthelezi never knows
anything anyway, and if he kept his eye on the border fence
instead of on
the airport, he would know that half of Zimbabwe is already here,
and the
rest are on their way.
* Buthelezi describes himself as "Dr" because, in a
momentary lapse of
sanity, some-or-other educational institution awarded him an
honorary
doctorate. Those needing medical attention should not set
too much store by
this.