MBEKI OPPOSED TO STONING
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20 September 2002
The Nyamandhlovu Cleft Stick and Messenger
reports that President Mbeki
commented yesterday on the impending execution, by stoning, of
Amina Lawal,
the Nigerian woman who gave birth to a child out of
wedlock. "Obviously we
are opposed to stoning people," said the President.
Professor Isosceles Vilakazi, the well-known academic, inventor
and
political observer, noted the this is just one of many things
that President
Mbeki opposes. "That doesn't mean that he does
anything about them," he
said.
Vilakazi has, in the meantime, completed construction of a new
machine.
Inspired by the philanthropist theories of a certain Doctor
Guillotine, the
prof believes that it is barbaric in the extreme to bury a woman
up to her
head in sand and then chuck rocks at her until she dies.
The machine - provisionally christened "Spirit of
Africa," is a device that
will hoist a two ton boulder into a position precisely above
Amina Lawal's
head. Once the computer sensors have determined that the
crown of her head
is exactly in line with the centre of the rock and the centre of
Planet
Earth, a simple touch of a button can release the rock.
Death is painless
and instantaneous.
(How does he know it is painless? Ed)
(None of the persons upon whom it was tested reported any pain
whatsoever -
Science Correspondent.)
The machine comes with optional accessories, in the form of a
special
hopper, which will collect Ms Lawal's brains as her skull bursts,
and
prevent them from splattering outwards and soiling the garments
of the
audience. There is also a specially padded baby chair, so
that Ms Lawal's
infant child will be able to watch in comfort while his mother is
killed.
The professor is currently working on computer models to
determine the
optimum height from which the rock should be dropped, and results
should be
available shortly.
It is reported that President Obasanjo, although interested in
the workings
of the device, is unlikely to purchase one. As Mbeki
explained, the
sentence of death by stoning must be seen in the context of the
introduction
of Sharia law in certain Nigerian states. It is felt that
use of such a
machine, while undoubtedly efficient, will deprive the populace
of their
fun, and of feeling that they were part of the judicial process.
"The question of whether or not the woman feels any pain is
irrelevant,"
said a spokesman. "This is meant to be a punishment,
not a fucking picnic."
He was unable to say what punishment was envisaged for the man
who got the
woman pregnant in the first place.
Meanwhile, Miss South Africa, Vanessa Carrera, is looking forward
to her
trip to Lagos to represent her country in the Miss World
competition. "If I
thought that by NOT going, it would help to save this woman's
life, I
wouldn't go," she is reported as saying. Smart
thinking, Batwoman. If they
are going to kill her anyway, you might as well go and have fun.
The Cleft Stick and Messenger notes that eight countries have so
far
indicated that they will not send their Miss World contenders to
Nigeria.
That leaves about one hundred and eighty still to indicate
whether or not
they give a damn.
It is also noted that the organisers of the Beauty Pageant have
yet to stand
up and say that they will cancel the event unless the death
sentence is
revoked. Fuck them, too.
It makes one ashamed to be a human being.