AGENDA FOR LUSAKA TALKS
Date: 1999/06/23
Lusaka, 23 June. -
Preparations are now in full swing
for the crucial talks aimed at bringing and end to the war in the
DRC. The talks were scheduled earlier, but could not take place
because hardly anybody pitched up. This was apparently because
the parties involved, either directly or as mediators, could not
agree on an agenda.
However, now that an agenda has been agreed, no less than fifteen
heads of state are expected in Lusaka within the next few days,
plus many more high ranking dignitaries, ranging from Foreign
Ministers to Ambassadors and Consular Representatives. And, of
course, representatives of the forces who have been fighting to
topple the unelected government of President Laurent Kabila.
Our Lusaka correspondent has, at great personal risk and loss of
life, been able to secure an advance copy of the agenda that has
succeeded in persuading this mini OAU to drop everything in their
own countries and head for the Lusaka talks:
PRELIMINARY SESSION
Asparagus "Lake Kivu" on Swedish biscuits, garnished
with pimento and gherkin.
Mushrooms vol au vent "Credit Suisse"
Black Sea Caviare on Deutsche Schwarzbrot
Moet e Chandon 88 Late Harvest
Chivas Regal
Jack Daniels
Lion Lager
Coke
Fanta Grape
Hubbly Bubbly
Speaker: Robert Gabriel Mugabe, President of Zimbabwe,
"Africa should stop
begging and tighten its belt."
OPENING SESSION
Potage Moules et Mopani Worms "Michael Jackson",
garnished with wild parsley, croutons "Ethiopia", and
twirl of whipped fresh cream
Mouton Rothschild l'Indpendence 1963
Tassenberg
Lion Lager
TEA BREAK
Earl Grey
Lapsang Souchon
Choc fried grasshoppers on French bread
Harrod's biscuits
Nescafe
Half-white and chips
MAIN SESSION
Sole "Bonne Femme" Grace Mugabe, with mushrooms and
white wine sauce
Poached Crayfish "SA Fisheries", chips and gravy.
Roast cow "Spirits of our Ancestors", wild truffles,
phutu and relish.
Roast head of Karroo lamb "Smiley", with rukweza and
beans
Chateau Lafitte 1973
Virginia (the wine for men who enjoy being men)
Lion Lager
Coke
CLOSING SESSION
Ice cream and chocolate sauce "Mandela and de Klerk"
Crepes "Madame Kabila"
Coup d'etat
Selection of expensive continental cheeses
Selection of expensive English biscuits
Selection of expensive Cuban cigars
Cockburn's Very Special Expensive Port
Irish Coffee (Irish Whiskey)
Mexican Coffee (Kahlua)
German Coffee (Schnapps)
African Coffee (Mageu)
Tea (served in half pint tin mugs with loads of sugar.)
END OF PROCEEDINGS
It is to be hoped the talks will result in an end to hostilities
so that the lot
of the starving millions in this part of Africa may be
ameliorated.
(Mugabe: Hey, Sam, what's a meliorated?
Nujoma: (Burping, and wiping his mouth with his sleeve) Fucked if
I know,
Mugabe: I'll have one anyway. Make it a double.)