VILIKAZI ANNOUNCES HIS CANDIDACY FOR PRESIDENCY
1999/06/23
Following on the news that Al Gore is a
candidate for the presidency of the United States, Professor
Isosceles Vilikazi of Nyamandhlovu, renowned scientist and
creator of the Dongo sisters, has announced that HE is a
candidate for the presidency of Zimbabwe.
Predictably, the news brought reporters scurrying down to
Matabeleland to interview the famous professor. If he wins, he
will become the first Matabele president of Zimbabwe, and only
the third Matabele in history to claim rulership over the Shona,
who outnumber his own bunch by around three to one.
It is therefore felt that, if Bob loses and Vilikazi wins,
Vilikazi could also become the first politician to be found face
down in the Gwaai River.
Asked about this, Prof Vilikazi made his hands into a triangle
and mused: "I don't take that threat seriously at all. It
may happen, of course, but being found face down in the Gwaai
River is not exactly fatal unless it happens on one of the rare
days that there is water in it."
He threw back his head in mirth, and recited one of the instant
rhymes that are an endearing product of his famed imagination.
"The River Gwaai
Is usually dry
And holds no fears for me.
But if you kick me
In the Muturikwe
'Twill be the end of me."
After a suitable pause for puza and merriment, the press
conference regathered and got back to serious matters. High on
the agenda was the question of a First Lady. Everyone is familiar
with Mrs Gore, the very presentable Tippa, but Professor Vilikazi
is unmarried. Who would stand beside him through the campaign,
ultimately to emerge as First Lady of Zimbabwe.
Vilikazi had no hesitation. "I realise that no candidate for
the President can be without a woman at his side, but it doesn't
have to be his wife. Marketing is everything these days, and the
First Lady is as much part of the package as the presidential
candidate himself. So I have chosen my protege, Ms Gladys Dongo,
to lend weight to my campaign.
One of the more sceptical reporters indicated that
"Gladys" was not exactly a glamourous name in this day
and age, and would not go down well in Mashonaland on account of
the Shona languages having no l's.
"We have already addressed the matter," replied Prof
Vilikazi. "Our PR consultants have decided that, for the
duration of the campaign, and the presidency if we win it, Gladys
will adopt a modern, Shona-friendly name."
The following morning a Press statement was released by
Vilikazi's office, confirming that his First Lady would be Ms
Pantechnikon Dongo of Kadoma.
Now if that ain't one-upmanship on Tippa, I don't know what is.