BORN IN NYAMANDHLOVU
1999/12/13
Following on the debacle at Nyamandhlovu, where
Professor Isosceles Vilikazi, the well-known inventor, academic
and political observer, read out his wife's shopping list, the
Professor has issued a statement denying that he intends leaving
Nyamandhlovu and settling elsewhere.
"It has been rumoured," said the Professor, "that
I am moving to Triangle.
"For the life of me, I cannot think why anyone should
suggest such a crazy
idea."
As is his occasional habit, the Professor finished the interview
with one of his impromptu verses:
I was born in Nyamandhlovu and it's here I mean to stay
Even though my critics try to send me on my way
I bear no love for places where the girls are underweight
And if they're thin in heaven then I'll turn back at the Gate.
There's girls aplenty waiting in Harare's fine bordellos
But their clientele is best described as hardly fussy fellows.
Lipstick, rouge and perfume may cosmetically enhance one
But personally speaking, they somehow don't entrance one.
Africa's true beauty must be best epitomised
By mighty boobs and buttocks and a pair of thunder thighs.
That's why in Nyamandhlovu, where the girls are so much bigger,
I'm quite content to spend my time, contemplating figures
The girls of Marondera and the maidens of Mutare
Simply lack the oomph to send my hormones on safari.
And I recall the time I went to check out on a rumour -
Which proved quite false - about the naughty ladies of Gatooma.
My greatest disappointment was recorded with a floozie
Known to all and sundry as Madame Mafungabuzi.
Frankly she was skinny, though she blamed it on the drought
She said that I should put it in, but I just wanted out
I wouldn't want to lose the many points that I have scored
By admitting carnal intercourse with a human ironing board.
"What's wrong?" she asked, "we've just begun,
surely you'll stay longer?"
"Aikona, Mama," I replied, "Gakulu,
siyabonga."
And left upon the mantlepiece a hundred dollar bill
"US?" she asked. "Zimbabwe!" She said,
"Fuck, you make me ill."
From Beit Bridge to Chirundu and the Vumba to Karoi
Avoirdupois' essential for a girl to win a boy
A serious-ly pretty Shona lady is defined
As one whose skirt is much too tight to get round her behind.
There's nothing more attractive than an umfaaz' in her teens
Whose bum is frankly much too big to fit into her jeans.
So if she wears a G-string, and takes a size D bra-cup
Then that's the wrong tamboti that you've chosen, bro, to bark
up.
So Nymandhlovu beckons, and I always yearn for home
To lie upon my leopard skin, and idly scrawl a pome.
I've given up adultery - it is the AIDS you know -
And also since I found my lovely wife was in the know.
While I was out indulging in some idle hanky panky
She was satisfying all the miners up at Wankie.
And so it's Nyamandhlovu where I'm bound to stay - and yet
I remember all those maidens, and am always in their Dett.