VILIKAZI REOCCUPIES ANCESTRAL LAND
Date: 2000/03/03
Professor Isosceles Vilikazi of Nyamandhlovu,
the well-known academic, inventor and political observer, has
reacted to the recent occupation of white-owned farmland by angry
Zimbabweans.
"I am entirely in sympathy with this action," he
declared. "The way the British colonists pushed us out of
our lands was terrible, and I see no reason why we should not
take the land back. I myself have decided to stake my own claim
to the land of my forefathers."
The Professor was speaking from the corner of Fife and Eighth
Avenues in downtown Bulawayo, where he has set up his new
headquarters.
"My researches show conclusively," he stated,
"that this is the very spot from which my grandfather was
evicted in 1893. Consequently I am now taking it back."
One of the journalists present pointed out that this was not very
good farmland, being covered entirely by tarmac, buildings, the
City Hall itself, and the main Bulawayo Public Toilet facility.
Why, he was asked, did he not claim something more suitable for
farming?
"You miss the point, you stupid bloody Mlungu!!" roared
the Prof. "If we are to claim the land of our forefathers,
we must do it honestly. Not like those bloody Shona vanyai."
Asked what he meant by that, Vilikazi explained that the Shona
land-grabbers were patently dishonest in their claims to the
land.
"Don't you find it just a liddle bit suspicious," he
said, "that every last Jim Fish of them should claim that he
was evicted from a piece of prime WHITE-owned farmland? Have you
seen one single one of them try to grab a piece of land owned by
a ZANU man? Has anyone come forward to claim any part of Harare,
or Gweru, or downtown anywhere else? Do they want us to believe
that they didn't live there before the white man came?
"This is rubbish," continued the Prof. "These
hooligans aren't claiming something that used to belong to their
forefathers. They don't even know what did or didn't belong to
their forefathers. They haven't researched it, and they aren't
interested in finding out. All they want to do is take advantage
of the opportunity to grab something that isn't theirs.
"In any case, most of them are not even farmers. Look at
them. They are Party-supporting city slickers. They wouldn't be
able to grow a mielie if one planted itself in their collective
(expletive deleted).
"Now I, at least, am honest. I have identified the land of
my forefathers. So - it happens to be part of downtown Bulawayo.
There's not much I can do about that. But at least I am not
claiming something that doesn't belong to me just because that
Skabenga Mugabe is encouraging me to do it."
Asked what he would do with the land, Professor Vilikazi said
that he was contemplating ripping up the streets and tearing down
the buildings in order to build a nice three-sided kraal, with a
patch of mielies and some cows.
Alternatively, he might keep the land in its
developed state, as the public latrines would provide him with a
steady cash income. He would then not need to do any farming, and
could continue the pursuit of his academic career.
As for his place at Nyamandhlovu, he said that he would hand that
back to the Bushmen, from whom the Shona had stolen it in the
first place, before the Matabele stole it from THEM, and long
before the white man showed his ugly face over the Limpopo.
In the meantime, President Mugabe has advised Vilikazi to get off
the land within forty-eight hours. The police are standing by,
but judging from the posters they are carrying, which read
"jiga jiga Mugabe" it is thought that they might not
take the order very seriously.
The general public are solidly behind Vilikazi, who has reduced
the price of taking a pee by fifty per cent, and introduced
special discounts for pensioners, children too small to reach,
and those suffering from diarrhoea.
There is also a money back guarantee for
constipation sufferers who pay up front and then discover that
their visit has been in vain.
LATE FLASH: The Minister of Public Works, under whom affaires de
toilet fall, has appointed an ad hoc committee to sit on the
matter. Despite sitting all day, and proposing any number of
motions, nothing has actually been passed. Consequently, an
invitation has been faxed to Professor Vilikazi inviting him to
come to Harare to discuss the matter. Professor Vilikazi has not
ruled out a meeting, but has faxed back that it should be at his
convenience, not theirs.