NYAMANDHLOVU TO GO IT ALONE
DATE: 22 MAY 2000
In a sensational development just a leedle way
north of Bulawayo, Professor Isosceles Vilikazi has seized power
in Nyamandhlovu, and announced its immediate secession from the
Republic of Zimbabwe.
Henceforth, declared the well-known inventor, academic and
political
observer, Nyamandhlovu will be known as the Kingdom of Northern
Matabeleland.
It is understood that the Professor will become King Isosceles
One, just as
soon as a crown can be delivered by Messrs Haddon and Sly.
Asked why he was declaring himself king without first consulting
the people
of Nyamandhlovu, the Professor pointed out that he was the only
possible
candidate, as he possessed the only real throne in Nyamandhlovu.
"All the
others," he said, "have long-drops. You will surely
agree that a man cannot
be a real king if he has to sit bare-arsed above a twenty foot
hole in the
ground. It's simply not a regal position."
The royal throne to which the King Apparent referred was
manufactured by the
Twyfords Company of Johannesburg. Apart from having a cracked
seat, and a
few stains on the porcelain, it is considered to be the finest in
the
district. Also, it has a fully operational flush mechanism, which
will
henceforth be known as the Royal Chain of Office. One of those
neatly
fitting acryclic toilet mats (which in better times were
available from the
OK Bazaars) lends a nice touch to the Royal Parlour, and the fact
that there
is also a bog-brush, complete with the original plastic housing,
will ensure
governance that is good and clean, if not exactly fresh.
Vilikazi explained that he could no longer sit by and watch
Zimbabwe go to
the dogs. If he could not save the whole country, he said, then
at least he
could try to save a small part of it. That part would be
Nyamandhlovu,
which he had grown to love, since moving there from Triangle,
where he was
born.
It is shortly expected that he will be unveiling the new
Nyamandhlovu flag
and coat of arms, as well as announcing the national anthem for
the new
country.
Asked if he did not feel that he was making the same mistake as
Moise
Tshombe, all those years ago in Katanga, the Prof replied that he
knew the
move was risky. But not, he said, as foolish as remaining part of
Zimbabwe.
President Robert Mugabe, asked to comment, said: "Where is
Nyamandhlovu?"
US presidential candidate Al Gore, asked to comment, said,
"Robert WHO?"
In other developments announced today, President Mugabe has been
awarded the
Dodi Al Fayed Award for Harrod's Customer of the Year, as well as
a special
citation from the Vatican, where a covey of cardinals has
unanimously voted
him the Worst Catholic Since Genghis Khan.*
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*(Acknowledgement to the late Spike Milligan for that one.- ed)