Date: 2001-09-30 09:58:58 PST
Breaking news: Nyamandhlovu, Sunday
Apparently things have gone somewhat awry for the nineteen terrorists who
hijacked and crashed four American airliners on September 11.
According to documents recovered in the USA, the terrorists had been
promised that they would be transported instantly to Paradise on impact.
However, Mr Foresight Mbera, a noted mhondoro from Marondera, has been in
touch with Paradise on another matter, and reports that the nineteen are not
there.
Mr Mbera was commissioned by the Nyamandhlovu Cleft Stick and Messenger to
contact Paradise in order to obtain an interview with the late Chenjerai
Hitler Hunzvi, who, while he yet breathed, was leader of the self-styled
"war veterans."
Apparently, Mr Hunzvi was also not contactable in Paradise.
All the ancestors and spirits contacted confirmed that Hunzvi had turned up
a few months ago, but been refused entry. Likewise, the nineteen terrorists
had also been shown the door, or rather the lift shaft..
Mr Mbera was able to speak to Mr Peter Fisher, chief security officer of
Paradise, based at the Pearly Gates. Mr Fisher, who prefers to be known as
Saint Pete, confirmed that the subjects had arrived, but that he had been
unable to admit them because they did not qualify. He had referred them to
Purgatory for alternative accommodation.
Apparently, both Hunzvi and the terrorists were extremely annoyed, not to
say distressed, and demanded to be let in. However, Saint Pete explained
that the rules for admission to Paradise were very strict, and the
applicants failed on a number of counts.
Mr Hunzvi accused Saint Pete of racism, and declared that if he had been
white, he would not have been denied admission. However, Saint Pete pointed
out that Paradise has no racial bias whatsoever, and suggested to Hunzvi
that, when he got to hell, he would be able to confirm this with his
namesake, Mr Adolf Hitler, a white man who was turned away in 1945, and has been frying
in Purgatory ever since.
The nineteen terrorists accused Saint Pete of bias too, on the grounds that
he was Jewish. Mr Fisher said that his Jewishness had nothing to do with
it. He had asked Mohammed himself, and the Prophet had endorsed the
decision. "It's chaps like this who give Islam a bad name," he said. " We
can't have people like that in here. It just wouldn't be Paradise any
more."
Apparently, Purgatory is not a nice place. Those despatched there spend all
their time frying in hellfire, and Mr Beelzebub, the manager, is a churlish
landlord indeed. It is a far cry from the idyllic afterlife promised the
terrorists by those who despatched them on their deadly mission.
Mr Osama bin Laden, on hearing that his proteges had gone to Hell instead of
Heaven, expressed surprise and disappointment.
"Gee, we really fucked up that time, " he said.
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