Dongo mission to Afghanistan (5):
2001-10-04 19:44:39 PST
The Nymandhlovu Cleft Stick and Messenger (ed: Mr Ballpoint Lumumba) reports
on the latest developments with regard to the Dongo Mission.
Readers will recall that the USA has put its armed forces on hold, pending
an attack on Osama Bin Laden spearheaded by Gladys Dongo on a bicycle with a
panga.
The matter of the bicycle being stolen has now been resolved, with the
release of Gladys Dongo from Nyamandhlovu Central Prison. The owner of the
bicycle has been "taken care of" according to chief Zimbabwean spin-doctor
Jonathan Moyo.
In the meantime, Britain has announced that it will also support the
mission, by sponsoring Gladys with a brand new Raleigh Sports, complete with
drop handlebars and a 3 speed Sturmey Archer. (If you don't know what that
is, you are too young to be following this thread!)
The reason that the bicycle will feature a 3-speed Sturmey Archer instead of
16 speed De Railleurs is because Gladys is not familiar with the more modern
technology, and Tony Blair does not want the mission to be derailleured
before Gladys makes it to the far end of Herbert Chitepo Avenue.
The attack on Bin Laden's hideout in Kandahar has been scheduled for early
November. This date has been obtained after due consultation with the
Experts, who figured it out by studying the entrails of a chicken.
A minor hitch has emerged in the matter of Gladys' expenses. The imminent
devaluation of the Zimdollar has nearly tripled the amount of money she will
be carrying, and it won't fit on the carrier of the bicycle.
It has been suggested that she be issued with a credit card, but the banking
fraternity worldwide are still a bit sensitive about this, as they still
have painful memories of what happened when Winnie Mandela had one.
WARDROBE
Miss Voluptous Ncube, fashion editor of the Nymandhlovu Cleft Stick and
Messenger, asked Ms Dongo about her choice of wardrobe for the Mission.
Initially, Gladys responded that she was not aware of the need to take a
wardrobe at all. However, she has decided that the one in the living room
will be quite adequate.