2001-10-31 12:21:31 PST
News report:> PRESIDENT Robert Mugabe, 77, has spoken publicly about his death for the
> first time, saying he prays that he will live long enough to see land
> transferred to Zimbabwe's black majority. etc etc
The Nymandhlovu Cleft Stick and Messenger reports, exclusively of course,
that Robert Mugabe has decided that he will definitely contest the
presidential election next year.
When it was pointed out that he will most likely be dead, he said that he
would not let this get in his way. "I will expect people to vote for me,
dead or alive," he said. "And I will ensure that anyone who doesn't vote
for me, dead or alive, will land up pretty dead himself."
The prospect of electing a corpse to the office of President is a novel one
indeed, but observers are confident that the ZANU faithful are so determined
to hang on to their perks that they will go along with the idea, and beat up
anyone in the party who decides to oppose the nomination of Mugabe's body.
It is also felt by many that, once he becomes a corpse, it will drastically
improve his performance as president.
In preparation for the transition from a live president to a dead one, a
larger refrigerator is being installed in the presidential office. This is
to ensure that the old sod doesn't lose his composure :-)
One or two voices in what used to be the OAU have raised one possible
problem with the move. Political correctness requires that Zimbabwe have a
black president, and they are not sure if it will be constitutionally valid
to have a grey one, especially as, over time, he is likely to go positively
green.
The only other useful suggestion to emerge comes from the headmaster of
Lower Marondera Junior School, who has suggested that once the president has
stopped moving, but before rigor mortis has set in, he should be buried just
outside the main entrance, face down, with just his bum protruding above the
ground.
This, he said, should serve as a useful stand for the science teacher's
bicycle.
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