Date: 2002-01-30 00:14:22 PST
The Nyamandhlovu Cleft Stick and Messenger reports that the US will be
spending at least as much again on military equipment as it spent this year.
President Bush has pointed out that the war against terrorism is far from
over, and many Americans have now gone full circle in their thinking, and
realised that the best way to deal with a bully is to punch him in the
nose - figuratively speaking, of course. Or to blow his ass to kingdom
come, literally speaking, of course.
The projected figures for military spending for 2003 have now been drafted,
and although they are theoretically top-secret, the NCS & M is able to
publish them in their entirety. This is because the NCS & M has employed a
hacker, who can get into any computer system, including that of the
Pentagon.
The NCS & M's hacker is Mr Biceps Mchanga, a redundant forestry worker from
Inyanga. His prowess with an axe is well known, and apart from hacking down
half of the forests in the Eastern Highlands, he also has notches on his axe
for knocking out a few doors, and sorting out a couple of heads as well.
Anyway, the NCS & M sent him to the Pentagon, from whence he has now
returned with the low-down. It can thus be revealed that the US will spend:
US$30 billion on helicopters
US$60 billion on bombers
US$10 billion on fighters
US$10 billion on tanks and armoured personnel carriers
US$20 billion on field guns
US$5 billion on light and heavy ammunition
US$8 billion on research and development
US$1 million on repairs to the computer facilities at the Pentagon
13 pounds, fifteen shillings and sixpence, on a new Raleigh Sports for
Gladys Dongo.
All of the above orders will be placed with American manufacturers, except
for the bicycle, which will be ordered from the UK. This is expected to
provide the UK economy with a significant boost, to say nothing of what it
will do for British morale.
In anticipation of the order, UK Prime Minister Tony Blair is considering
extensions to the bicycle works in Birmingham, and has forecast that this
could be the beginning of the industrial renaissance in Britain. In a
thinly veiled warning to Berlin, he said, "Watch out, Britain isn't finished
yet."
He then lit a fat cigar and made a rude sign with two fingers.
Pyschologists fear that he could be suffering from a Churchillian delusion,
especially as he spent the weekend down at Brighton, dancing with a
pitchfork on the beach.
In other news from Britain, former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher has
suffered a minor stroke. She is out of danger, but both Denis and the
doctors are having difficulty persuading her that it wasn't one of genius.
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