AGRICULTURAL OUTPUT INCREASING
4 August 2002
Nymandlovu, Sunday
From Ploughshare Mabuza, Farming Correspondent
The Nymandhlovu Cleft Stick and Messenger reports that
agricultural output
is set to rise, following the unprecedented success of the
goverment's land
reform process.
In order to see the reality of this, selected media
representatives were
invited to Gweru, where Cde Fertiliser Chimanimani, an ardent
Mugabe
supporter, demonstrated how he had already made great strides in
increasing
the productivity of his recently acquired farm.
Previously the farm produced only mealies, which, as everyone
knows, are
produced by every Titus, Philemon and Sixpence in the whole of
sub-Saharan
Africa. Apart from which, as Comrade Fertiliser pointed
out, mealies are a
colonial crop, having been brought from America to Iberia by the
evil
Spaniards, and thence to Africa by the even more evil Portuguese.
Cde Fertiliser proudly showed off the fields, which have
literally blossomed
since he took control. He gave estimates of the expected
yields:
Khaki Weed - 13 tonnes.
Burrs - 7 tons
Black jacks - 6 tonnes
Wild dagga - 6 tonnes
Quick Grass - 4 tonnes
Other assorted weeds - 19 tonnes
"Under the previous occupant," said Cde Fertiliser
proudly, "none of these
were produced at all, or my name's not Cowshit, er, I mean
Fertiliser."
He further pointed out that, since the demolition of the house
and
outbuildings, and the vandalisation of the tractors, there
remained not one
whit of the colonial legacy anywhere on the property. This
announcement was
greeted with loud applause from the agricultural editor of the
Harare
Herald, Mr Ignorance Shuriya, who observed that the property had
indeed been
restored to its pre-colonial state.
In other news from around Zimbabwe, it has been reported that
constipation
is increasing at an alarming rate, and is now rivalling AIDS and
malaria as
something of a national problem.
This is apparently because people who were accustomed to being
told to "gaan
kak in die mielies" are now unable to gaan kak at all, due
to the general
lack of mielies to kak in.