Dongo mission to Afghanistan (18):

Homeward bound

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31 JULY 2002

The Nyamandhlovu Cleft Stick and Messenger reports (from Nyamandhlovu, where
else?) that Gladys Dongo, the renowned Zimbabwean socialite, shot-putter and
anti-tank weapon, has been included amongst those barred from entering the
European Union.

The announcement has been met with surprise in some quarters, and also in
Triangle.  This is because Gladys isn't even a member of ZANU-PF. On the
contrary, she is one of its most vocal critics, ever since she got sat next
door to Eddison Zvogbo at a diplomatic lunch and discovered that he doesn't
use deodorant.

But it appears that Gladys' being placed on the banned list has nothing to
do with politics at all.  According to Mr Charles Nightingale, a
(mellifluous) spokesman for the British Department of Public Safety, banning
Ms Dongo is purely a precautionary measure to avoid a repetition of the
unfortunate events at Heathrow Airport last week.

The story has been hushed up, but the NCS&M managed to get the low down by
planting a bug in Whitehall.  (Apparently, while maize planting, and cotton
planting, and tobacco planting, and just about all other kinds of planting
have ceased in Zimabwe, bug-planting is thriving, because that's about all
that's left to plant.)

It appeared that Gladys, who has been on an extended overseas mission to
liberate Afghanistan, was headed homewards.  After chucking the Taliban out
of Kabul, she took a well earned rest in the West Indies, where, it is
reported, she hit the local cricket team for a six, and put an
over-ambitious suitor down for a count of ten.  (Actually, the referee
stopped counting at ten, and went home.  The doctor took over, and counted a
pulse of about 120 more until the chap departed the planet for ever.)

Because Gladys is an international figure, the inquest was held in camera.
However, Gladys is very big, so there was a delay of some months before they
could find a big enough camera.

Anyway, at the end of it all, the judged ruled that manslaughter had been
committed, and that Gladys should stand trial.

Gladys, however, won the case on appeal.  That is, she lifted the judge by
his shirtfront and beat him about the head until he agreed to reverse his
original finding.

Thus exonerated, Gladys headed for home, stopping over in London, because,
as Gladys always says, it is so very, very, cultured.

That was where the problem began.  Until that point, Gladys had carried most
of her baggage in a shopping bag from Chamadvuka's General Trading Store and
Cycle Repairs (Pvt) Ltd.  But in London, she went shopping, and arrived at
Heathrow with two huge suitcases, bulging with all manner of household goods
that are simply not available in Zimbabwe any more.

Arriving at the British Airways counter, she placed her bags on the scale.
Springs popped, and the digital counter rose somewhat beyond the official
20kg baggage allowance, eventually coming to rest on an error message,
reading:  "This scale has performed an illegal operation, and will be closed
down."

The check in lady, Ms Aphrodite Carmichael-Johnstone (48) of Slough, has
worked in airlines for 30 years, and knows too much baggage when she sees
it.  Drawing herself up to her full height, she looked haughtily at Gladys,
and said, "Madame, you are overweight."

This is not a wise remark to make to someone of Gladys' size and pugilistic
reputation.

"Speak for yourself," she retorted. And indeed, Ms Carmichael-Johnstone is a
lady of no mean size herself, and narrowly missed representing England in
the All-Comers section of the wrestling at the last Commonwealth Games.
(Unfortunately, she got wedged in the loo at Heathrow and missed the flight
to Kuala Lumpur.)

"Don't you dare talk to me like that," snapped Ms Carmichael-Johnstone.

According to eyewitnesses, the resulting confrontation left seven check-in
desks damaged beyond repair, and seven very expensive airline scales outside
on the ground floor level, Gladys having chucked them through the plate
glass windows.

Four aircraft were seriously damaged, along with a Bedford minivan and its
driver, Mr Clarence Wimp (36), of Basingstoke.

Fifteen male bystanders were injured as they attempted to part the
combatants, and missed their flights to wherever.

No policemen were injured, because, although the Police were quickly on the
scene, they just as quickly decided that this was a matter for the armed
services, and decided to go and have tea instead.

After about three hours, Ms Carmichael-Johnstone surrendered.  The parties
shook hands, and Gladys departed, along with her baggage.

Nevertheless, the British government has decided that the easiest way to
prevent such things happening again would be to include Gladys in the travel
ban.