Dongo mission to Afghanistan (6):
Specs on the Raleigh and other equipment
2001-10-08 11:28:36 PST
Following the aborted attempt to reach Kandahar Island on a bicycle, Gladys Dongo is preparing for a second, more serious attempt, to break through to the stronghold of Osama Bin Laden in Kandahar. Notwithstanding the kind offer of a Raleigh Sports from the UK, it has been decided that a more robust vehicle would be more suitable. This is on account of the roads in Afghanistan, and the fact that Gladys herself is, well, er ......... kind of robust. The new bicycle is being provided by Patel's General Trading Store and Filling Station, P O Gwaai River. Patel's have been suppliers of general goods and fine bicycles to the community for 65 years, satisfaction guaranteed, anything available from a bag of dairy meal to a split pin or a gallon of green paraffin for the Primus stove. The bicycle boasts, inter alia, balloon tyres (28 x two and three quarters) as well as lever brakes AND the back-pedal variety for when you really need to get out of trouble fast. The saddle is finest leather of the old style, bolstered by a tennis ball wedged beneath the springs, guaranteed to support any old arse in comfort through a long day of travelling, as long as the rider doesn't have piles (and if he does, Patel's has a cure for that as well.) It has a box carrier and inbuilt stand in front, as well as a spring loaded carrier behind, and comes equipped with a little leather saddle pouch for the all-in-one Philips cycle tool, and the puncture repair kit with the patches and solution. Spare valve tubing is an optional extra, but will be provided on this occasion because of the importance of the mission. The handlebars feature a silver bell, which is very loud and sure to put the fear of Allah into any Afghan who comes within earshot. In addition, there is an air-operated horn for added effect, especially useful if one should encounter a Coley Hall 26 wheeler along the Falls Road. The frame is made of finest British 2 inch tubular steel, and will withstand any amount of bumping through the veld if one should stray from the regular pathway. Such machines have been known to convey as many as seven people to a beer drink at one time. The machine is in tip top condition, having been hanging from hooks on Patel's wall since 1957, which is round about the year that such velocipedes went quite out of fashion. COMMUNICATIONS Modern warfare requires state-of-the-art communications, and to enable Gladys to keep in touch (or rather, to enable people to keep Gladys in touch), Patel's are also supplying a Supersonic transistor portable radio with AM and Shortwave. This will enable her to pick up the ZBC and get her latest instructions directly from Robert Mugabe via the 7 o'clock news. COMBAT APPAREL Gladys will be wearing velskoene supplied by Messrs Bata Zimbabwe, plus camouflage fatigues provided by the Zimbabwe Defence Force (bloodstains from the Congo debacle have been removed with Jik). She has declined the offer of a bullet proof vest because it is bulky, but an armoured bra has been fashioned from two milking pails and a length of chain, courtesy of Zimbi's Light Engineering Works, Harare. Messrs Tabard & Co offered to provide insect repellent, but Gladys has advised that after she has been riding the bike for a couple of kays, the insects seem to be pretty well repelled anyway. (News by Nyamandhlovu Cleft Stick and Messenger, all rights reserved).