Mr Scorecard Ndzimbi, sports reporter for the Nymandhlovu Cleft Stick and
Messenger, reports on Gladys' adventures as she passed through Pakistan on
her way to Afghanistan to Save the World, or at least the bits that interest George W Bush.
On arrival at Islamabad, Gladys was invited to take part in an invitation
cricket match, because the people there know that Zimbabwe is among the
foremost cricket playing nations of the world. Robert Mugabe himself is
known to have said of many things that they just weren't cricket, and HE
should know.
With the Flower brothers, Heath Streak and other luminaries not able to
attend, Gladys captained a team consisting of herself and ten people called
A N Other.
Gladys opened the bowling, and, as usual, her seamers proved pretty well
devastating. She bowled out all the Pakistan batsmen, plus the umpire, for
eleven runs in fifteen balls. (The umpire was bowled for suggesting that he
might disqualify her for chucking.)
A break was then taken for tea and first aid. When the Pakistanis had been
patched up, and a new umpire procured, Gladys came out to bat.
The first ball she faced was a full toss from Wasim Akram, which she duly
smashed out of the park, only to be caught at deep mid-wicket by Anil
Kumble.
(Editors comment: How is this possible? If she hit Akram out of the park,
that is surely six runs. And anyway, how can she be caught by Anil Kumble
when the game was played against Pakistan, and Kumble plays
for India?)
(Sports reporter replies: Easy, Gladys is a very strong woman. She hit
Akram out of the park in Islamabad, and the ball was caught, fair and
square, by Anil Kumble fielding at deep midwicket in Calcutta, where India
were busy playing the West Indies.)
(Um, okay - ed.)
The ICC is now convening in London to debate whether Gladys should be ruled
"caught out" by Kumble in Calcutta, or awarded a six for having hit Akram
over the ropes in Islamabad.
The Zimbabwean representatives at the ICC have suggested that she be awarded
6,666 runs, because, after all, to klap a ball from Islamabad to Calcutta is
one hell of a six.
Meanwhile, just in case, Gladys is running between the wickets. As I write,
her score is 1546**, not out, and climbing.
Bookmakers are offering ten to one against Pakistan, except for Hansie
Cronje, who is backing India to win, and obviously knows something that the
rest of us don't.
Herschelle Gibbs, commenting, blew a very fragrant smoke ring, and said,
"Yeah, cool man, cool."
Jaques Kallis said, "Gladys WHO?"
We were unable to reach Osama Bin Laden for comment, as he was apparently
busy deflowering yet another she-goat.
The SPCA is investigating. Apparently it is very hard to stop Bin Laden and
his followers from buggering she-goats, because all Afghani she-goats have
to wear purdah (or whatever they call it), and you can't see exactly what
Bin Laden and the boys are up to, into, or up against, as the case may be.
However, a woman who once spent a night with Bin Laden confirms that he is
very horny, smells like a goat, looks like a goat, feels like a goat, and
isn't worth a fuck.
Meanwhile, Gladys has also won the affections of a randy maharajah, who has
invited her to meet him in the Hindu Kush. Gladys has accepted, and in case
one thing leads to another, she has commissioned the Michelin people to make
her a twelve ply low-profile steel-belt radial condom.
"I'm not on the Pill," she explained, primly.
"Slick or treaded?" asked the Michelin salesman.
"Treaded!" replied Gladys. "It's for MY pleasure, not his."
** It should be noted that Gladys has only run 1546 because she isn't
running between the wickets in Islamabad, she is running between the wicket
in Islamabad and the wicket in Calcutta. The resultant furrow is to be
named the Trans South Asian Highway, and it is anticipated that it will be
of inestimable benefit to interstate trucking.
Some readers have enquired as to where the bicyle is while all of this is
going on. It is being serviced by Ibrahim's Cycle and Aviation, 2377668
Govender Avenue, Islamabad, Agents for Raleigh, Rudge, Humber, Hercules,
Philips, Cessna, Boeing, GKN, SKF, and Hershey's Fine Chocolates. Best
prices, satisfaction guaranteed, and no questions asked whatsoever. Phone
24 24 24 25 and don't forget to give the password or we'll deny we ever saw
you.