Dongo mission to Afghanistan (16):

Truth about the rapid advance

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2001-11-20 14:23:31 PST 

> The Nyamandhlovu Cleft Stick and Messenger reports that the rapid advance of
> the Northern Alliance in Afghanistan had very little to do with either its
> troops on the ground, or the Allied bombing effort.
>
> The truth of the matter is that Gladys Dongo was the architect of the
> victory, and the alliance, and the Americans, have been trying to conceal
> this because they do not want to admit that it was a "mere woman"  (their
> expression, ed) who single handedly put the Taliban to flight.
>
> The NCS&M greatly regrets not having been able to report on this matter
> earlier.  However, it is paw-paw season in Matabeleland, and an entire lorry
> load of newsprint had to be diverted for the relief of the local populace.
> This resulted in a number of editions not appearing.
>
> It can now be revealed that Mazir al Sharif fell as a result of a braai held
> outside the gates of the city.  Gladys was invited to attend by the local
> Northern Alliance commander.  The menu consisted of dead goat, garnished
> with beans, spinach and cabbage, washed down with curdled yak's milk. After
> the repast (that's a fancy word for sadza nyama - ed), Gladys and the troops
> marched ten times around the walls of the city, just for the hell of it.
> Gladys then bent down for another helping of beans, and inadvertently let
> rip a bout of flatulence in the key of B flat major, which was sufficiently
> powerful enough to flatten both the gate and the walls, and put the
> surviving defenders to flight.
>
> Asked to comment, Glady replied coyly, "Excuse me."  This is what all
> well-bred Matabele are taught to say when they accidentally fart in public.
> However, it was too late to save the walls.  Or the defenders.
>
> The Alliance troops then proceeded by forced marches to Kabul.  They were
> actually planning to take it quite easily, but Gladys was carrying a pocket
> edition of De Bello Gallico, the celebrated war diary of Julius Caesar, the
> famous Wop who conquered much of the Known World back in 40 Bee Cee.  The
> said Eytie was apparently much in favour of forced marches, and seldom
> proceeded by anything less, and as he was quite successful, Gladys felt it
> was an example worth following.
>
> However, on arrival at the gates of Kandahar, both Gladys and the alliance
> troops were pretty well puffed, especially Gladys, who is a large lady, and
> not used to such exercise, especially as her Raleigh Sports was in for
> repairs to the three speed Sturmey Archer and the dynamo on the front wheel.
>
> With the sweat coursing down between her breasts, it was quite
> understandable that she stripped off her blouse and exposed her breasts, not
> realising that the Taliban fighters would turn and flee at the sight
> thereof.
>
> Anyway, this facilitated the taking of Kabul, so it must have been a Good
> Thing.
>
> This left only Kandahar. It has not yet been established exactly how Gladys
> took Kandahar, but most accounts indicate that she used a series of short
> jabs, followed by two uppercuts and a right hook.
>
> The Alliance troops have since proceeded to Konduz, which they are now
> besieging.  The reason that it hasn't fallen yet is because Gladys has
> stayed behind in Kandahar for a facial, and the Alliance is back to fighting
> with simple stuff like AK 47's and various bits of artillery.
>
> Gladys has asked the US Air Force to stop using cluster bombs, as they
> apparently make her calves itch.
>
> Gladys has also said that all this taking of cities is a bit ho-hum, and not
> at all why she came to Afghanistan.  The real object of her mission is to
> capture Osama Bin Laden, who is reportedly hiding harder than ever, now that
> he knows that Gladys is after him.
>
> The news has been welcomed by most of Afghanistan, especially the she-goats.
>
>